"Didn't you even wash your hair after?"

So I went to a party last night, and Mum went out on the razz with the usual crowd.
We came home at the exact same time, Mum dragging a semi-conscious ScottishCarrieBradshaw and me carrying a wig and a pair of socks.
And we had a nice chat, me, Mum and ScottishCarrieBradhsaw's paralytic body....
And Mum is so going back out with ShreddedWheat.
Words cannot...
I can't even verbalise...
OMFGGG
Oh and ScottishCarrieBradshaw woke up every time you said GrubbyLondoner's name, so we had some fun.
And mum told me a story ShreddedWheat told her today, I refused to acknowledge it.
They're so teen aged, the mind reels.
Over.

"stop looking so femminine, I may become attracted to you"

Oh and another thing, LongTallAuntie is being like....sued or something.
Well, not sued, not at all..
DisgruntledUncle is wanting to get some money or stop her getting money or spaghetti and honey or something...
She's being made to sell a house or whatever...
enter legal jargon here....
So yeah it' wayyyy stressful over there... and LongTallCousin also has gossip in her own life but no one wants to hear about that now do they?
Over.

"I have a normal accent, you have a gross one that private school forced on you"

So ok, I know I haven't updated in like forever and I apologise profusely.
Er, abit of stuff going on but it's all very confusing ad it's just ScottishCarrieBradshaw having a huge paddy over not very much....
So, ExFarmersWife went down to see the GrubbyLondoner yes? TheFarmer has been paying, like, ex wife support since they divorced a trillion years ago, seems as ExFarmers wife sits on her arse all day buying shit off QVC.
So, through the grapevine TheFarmer heard about ExFarmersWife doing a little dogsitting down in London, for a little money we hear. TheFarmer knows he can perhaps pay abit less than like the millions of pounds he has been paying to ExFarmersWife due to this little bit of info.
OK, we all following?
TheFarmer calls GrubbyLondoner to ask if he knows anything about this, as he talked to ExFarmersWife recently. GrubbyLondoner was apparently a megabitch to hin on the phone and basc. told him he knew nothing and he wouldnt tell him anyway because he smells blah blah blah...
So now, ScottichCarrieBradshaw had abit of a fret as she thinks GrubbyLondoner will think that she's a bitch and a gossip for telling TheFarmer about the dogsitting fiasco.
Which he won't he won't give two shits.
OH
and now the word on the street is that ExFarmersWife and GrubbyLondoner could be having a little fling ehh? Just like, speculation but still...no smoke without fire and all that old jazz.
Oh, and the whole MarriedMrNiceGuy thing is officially over, i overheard Mum telling one of her friends that i cba thinking up a nickname for right now.
She dumped him by text or something, DAAAMMMN THAT'S COLD.
SarcyOlderSister is coming home from Uni soon, for Crimbo.
My friend was saying, "Your mum's gonna miss you so much when you leave for Uni too."
I replied "she's got ScottishCarrieBradshaw, she'll do. She's like a teenage daughter, with more angst."
I'm so true man.
Over.

"Is it a chinese man?"

Mum did something hilarious last night.
She and ScottishCarrieBradshaw went into Leeds for early doors, and went for some tapas to line their stomachs.
They were in the tapas bar for a while and had a few drinks.... and then forgot to pay for their meal ahahahahaahahaaa
They came home on the train and forgot to pay, they went all Thelma and Louise on their asses.
LOL
ScottishCarrieBradshaw crashed out at ours last night, and had abit of a wail about theGrubbyLondoner...
And Mum got a call from ShreddedWheat officially asking her out again, but she was like "Call me when I'm sober."
And that's the end of that chapter,
Over.

"i am so beautiful tonight, it doesn't matter if no one notices me."

So yeah, ExFarmers wife did go down to see GrubbyLondoner, but in like....a nice way?

To see what he was up to and find out what the fuck he is playing at with ScottishCarrieBradshaw.

So I think she was relatively sane in this act...

But ANYWAY

I'm off out with Dad any minute, and Mum told me to text her when I'm on the way home. I joke and said "Are you having an affair with the Pope?"

She replied "Not with the Pope, I'll tell you about it someday"

Like I'm proper clueless.

As if I don't know exactly what's going on.

Like when she goes out of the room to answer about 50% of her phone calls, I haven't figured out why.

Is her opinion of me that low? Parents need to get wise to the fact their children are getting wise.

Over.

"I may be a dyke but i'mm still a lady"

w dropped SarcyOldeSister off at university today, it was a bit emotional... to say the least.
So me and Mum went our separate ways, she went to meet friend and I did the same...
So now we are both drunk, which explains why ir's taking twice the time it would usally take to write this post.
Mum saw ShreddedWheat at the races teh other day with another woman, she was abit upset about that for a while, bit she was fine once she sobered up...
Dad and Mum were working together like an unstoppable team today helping move SaryOlderSister into her tiny flat, and talking about ScottishCarrieBrashaw/GrubbyLondoner..bit of a blast from the past...

WELL,as we speak, Mum has a random ma she found on the street while walking home, in the kitchen...having a chat.
SERIOUSLY!
He's married, just heard her talking about it.
I think that's her type.
FUCK ME, WHY?
I'm really gonna mis SarcyOldeSister, I'm gonna have to put Mum to bed all by myself.
over.

"I'm not just gonna let a random person suck on my kneck"

GrubbyLondoner has proper outdone himself in the faggot stakes, seriously.
Today, ScottishCarrieBradshaw had someone coming to look at her house, which she has been trying to sell for around....2 years?? This was like the first person to come see it EVER.
So, she receives this e-mail from the GrubbyLondoner telling her that he has been lying to her all the time they had been together. He's been seeing someone else, he said "when I wasn't in your bed I was in hers". Her said that all this time he'd been confusing his love for her with not wanting to hurt her.
ScottishCarrieBradshaw was on the phone to his other girlfriend for hours discussing this...turns out he'd been sending them the exact same texts etc.
I seriously could kill him.
They were supposed to be going to Paris together in November but that's gone tits up.

So right after reading this e-mail, ScottishCarrieBradshaw had to show this poor man round her house, so that's another thing GrubbyLondoner fucked up.
Mum is furious, she has received about 30 phone calls today from ScottishCarrieBradshaw in hysterics.
I'm off now before life gets any more barmy.
Over.