"Did you actually see the docking?"

ScottishCarrieBradshaw went on another couple of dates with her new man-known to his friends (of which I'm sure he has many) as fast Eddie-and appeared to enjoy her self!
She didn't come home until after 4am on saturday, which resulted in a hysterical phone call from her daughter to Mum...at some crazy unGodly hour.
Mum is still wasting her time with ShreddedWheat, with his shit car...OMG he has the same car TWICE hahahahaahaha its some stupid unbranded red sports car with a personalised licence plate.
LongTallAuntie and her new husband have sold their B&B and plan on moving into his house sharpish, which everyone is very happy about.
Besides GrandmaFag, she worries.
SarcyOlderSister is home and all is sweeet.
OH and ExFarmersWife texted Mum, Dad and ScottishCarrieBradshaw asking how they were and stuff, they all seemed to...avoid her a bit.
Poor woman, she's great, why can no one see this?
Bet she won't take too well to being ignored....let us hope there will be mischief. On Christmas day, like a soap opera...
Over.

"I think my track marks are beautiful"

And i forgot to tell y'all the other day...
ScottishCarrieBradshaw went on a date, with someone that WASN'T the grubbyLondoner, IS from our town, IS age appropriate....and LIKED it.
could this be a breakthrough?
let us pray.
AND LongTallAuntie vs. DisgruntledUncle has been postponed...to sometime or other...
and she has accepted an offer on her B&B, not enough but basc. she's desperate to get the fuck out of there.
Getting pretty psyched for SarcyOlderSister's return in like...just over a week.
so if you're reading this...
HURRY UP
:)
over.

"What's a little talk of climaxes over pizza with friends?"

So the other week I went out with the Father figure on wednesday as per. But just before, I noticed 2 little tuna steaks out to defrost in the kitchen...whatever could this mean?
I asked Mum what she was having for tea (presented a little opportunity to confess) and she just told me "tuna nicoise".
So blatantly having ShreddedWheat over.
So when I came home, I saw his shitty car on the drive, so called SarcyOlderSister-so I basically told on her- that his car was here.
She texted Mum asking why his car was here.
Mum texted me saying "Btw, me and [shreddedwheat] are going out for a drink, so you might see his car at ours"
OMG AS IF
she texted me AFTER she knew I knew!!!
THAT SO DOESN'T COUNT AS TELLING ME!

Geez, whatta douche!

AND on sunday night i came home from a little soiree, was just chillin on the sofa...
and in walks Mum and ShreddedWheat.
I give her my best withering look and she says "don't look at me like that"
"don't give me a reason to."
then i went to bed.
like a good girl.
THEN she kept me up until 1:30 in the FUCKING MORNING playing loud music with her boyfriend.
how teenaged is that? surprised she didn't shimmy down the drainpipe and hop into his shitty car to go to the arcade and smoke weed.
So I was obv. major tired and woke up at 8:10 the next day when I have to be at college for 8:50.
that was a speedy morning i tell you.
She bought me a skirt that day to make up for it though, can't beat a bit of bribery on a monday afternoon.
Over.

"Didn't you even wash your hair after?"

So I went to a party last night, and Mum went out on the razz with the usual crowd.
We came home at the exact same time, Mum dragging a semi-conscious ScottishCarrieBradshaw and me carrying a wig and a pair of socks.
And we had a nice chat, me, Mum and ScottishCarrieBradhsaw's paralytic body....
And Mum is so going back out with ShreddedWheat.
Words cannot...
I can't even verbalise...
OMFGGG
Oh and ScottishCarrieBradshaw woke up every time you said GrubbyLondoner's name, so we had some fun.
And mum told me a story ShreddedWheat told her today, I refused to acknowledge it.
They're so teen aged, the mind reels.
Over.

"stop looking so femminine, I may become attracted to you"

Oh and another thing, LongTallAuntie is being like....sued or something.
Well, not sued, not at all..
DisgruntledUncle is wanting to get some money or stop her getting money or spaghetti and honey or something...
She's being made to sell a house or whatever...
enter legal jargon here....
So yeah it' wayyyy stressful over there... and LongTallCousin also has gossip in her own life but no one wants to hear about that now do they?
Over.

"I have a normal accent, you have a gross one that private school forced on you"

So ok, I know I haven't updated in like forever and I apologise profusely.
Er, abit of stuff going on but it's all very confusing ad it's just ScottishCarrieBradshaw having a huge paddy over not very much....
So, ExFarmersWife went down to see the GrubbyLondoner yes? TheFarmer has been paying, like, ex wife support since they divorced a trillion years ago, seems as ExFarmers wife sits on her arse all day buying shit off QVC.
So, through the grapevine TheFarmer heard about ExFarmersWife doing a little dogsitting down in London, for a little money we hear. TheFarmer knows he can perhaps pay abit less than like the millions of pounds he has been paying to ExFarmersWife due to this little bit of info.
OK, we all following?
TheFarmer calls GrubbyLondoner to ask if he knows anything about this, as he talked to ExFarmersWife recently. GrubbyLondoner was apparently a megabitch to hin on the phone and basc. told him he knew nothing and he wouldnt tell him anyway because he smells blah blah blah...
So now, ScottichCarrieBradshaw had abit of a fret as she thinks GrubbyLondoner will think that she's a bitch and a gossip for telling TheFarmer about the dogsitting fiasco.
Which he won't he won't give two shits.
OH
and now the word on the street is that ExFarmersWife and GrubbyLondoner could be having a little fling ehh? Just like, speculation but still...no smoke without fire and all that old jazz.
Oh, and the whole MarriedMrNiceGuy thing is officially over, i overheard Mum telling one of her friends that i cba thinking up a nickname for right now.
She dumped him by text or something, DAAAMMMN THAT'S COLD.
SarcyOlderSister is coming home from Uni soon, for Crimbo.
My friend was saying, "Your mum's gonna miss you so much when you leave for Uni too."
I replied "she's got ScottishCarrieBradshaw, she'll do. She's like a teenage daughter, with more angst."
I'm so true man.
Over.

"Is it a chinese man?"

Mum did something hilarious last night.
She and ScottishCarrieBradshaw went into Leeds for early doors, and went for some tapas to line their stomachs.
They were in the tapas bar for a while and had a few drinks.... and then forgot to pay for their meal ahahahahaahahaaa
They came home on the train and forgot to pay, they went all Thelma and Louise on their asses.
LOL
ScottishCarrieBradshaw crashed out at ours last night, and had abit of a wail about theGrubbyLondoner...
And Mum got a call from ShreddedWheat officially asking her out again, but she was like "Call me when I'm sober."
And that's the end of that chapter,
Over.

"i am so beautiful tonight, it doesn't matter if no one notices me."

So yeah, ExFarmers wife did go down to see GrubbyLondoner, but in like....a nice way?

To see what he was up to and find out what the fuck he is playing at with ScottishCarrieBradshaw.

So I think she was relatively sane in this act...

But ANYWAY

I'm off out with Dad any minute, and Mum told me to text her when I'm on the way home. I joke and said "Are you having an affair with the Pope?"

She replied "Not with the Pope, I'll tell you about it someday"

Like I'm proper clueless.

As if I don't know exactly what's going on.

Like when she goes out of the room to answer about 50% of her phone calls, I haven't figured out why.

Is her opinion of me that low? Parents need to get wise to the fact their children are getting wise.

Over.

"I may be a dyke but i'mm still a lady"

w dropped SarcyOldeSister off at university today, it was a bit emotional... to say the least.
So me and Mum went our separate ways, she went to meet friend and I did the same...
So now we are both drunk, which explains why ir's taking twice the time it would usally take to write this post.
Mum saw ShreddedWheat at the races teh other day with another woman, she was abit upset about that for a while, bit she was fine once she sobered up...
Dad and Mum were working together like an unstoppable team today helping move SaryOlderSister into her tiny flat, and talking about ScottishCarrieBrashaw/GrubbyLondoner..bit of a blast from the past...

WELL,as we speak, Mum has a random ma she found on the street while walking home, in the kitchen...having a chat.
SERIOUSLY!
He's married, just heard her talking about it.
I think that's her type.
FUCK ME, WHY?
I'm really gonna mis SarcyOldeSister, I'm gonna have to put Mum to bed all by myself.
over.

"I'm not just gonna let a random person suck on my kneck"

GrubbyLondoner has proper outdone himself in the faggot stakes, seriously.
Today, ScottishCarrieBradshaw had someone coming to look at her house, which she has been trying to sell for around....2 years?? This was like the first person to come see it EVER.
So, she receives this e-mail from the GrubbyLondoner telling her that he has been lying to her all the time they had been together. He's been seeing someone else, he said "when I wasn't in your bed I was in hers". Her said that all this time he'd been confusing his love for her with not wanting to hurt her.
ScottishCarrieBradshaw was on the phone to his other girlfriend for hours discussing this...turns out he'd been sending them the exact same texts etc.
I seriously could kill him.
They were supposed to be going to Paris together in November but that's gone tits up.

So right after reading this e-mail, ScottishCarrieBradshaw had to show this poor man round her house, so that's another thing GrubbyLondoner fucked up.
Mum is furious, she has received about 30 phone calls today from ScottishCarrieBradshaw in hysterics.
I'm off now before life gets any more barmy.
Over.

"My boobs are inside me!!"

Not a lot of news, just one interesting piece of info here.
ExFarmersWife has been e-mailing GrubbyLondoner, as she is going down to London soon and is wanting to see him.
For what purpose, we know not.
It's either to punch him in the face as she apparently did to ShreddedWheat, or...?
Perhaps she wants a bit.
ScottishCarrieBradshaw is trying to dissuade GrubbyLondoner from allowing this meeting, for his own safety.
I am personally hoping she will meet with him, the drama pool is runnign a bit dry atm.
over.

"The Berlin Wall, that was a bad thing yeah?"

Maaan there is so little going on right now, so SORRY LONG TALL COUSIN!
MAKE ME SOME NEWS TO BLOG ABOUT BITCH.
Apart from, me and SarcyOlderSister went out with Dad tonight as we do every wednesday, AND Mum asked me to text her when I was on the way home.
I asked her "Why?". She replied "Because".
Fucking primary school shit argument.
BLATANTLY planning on having MarriedMrNiceGuy round, if not worse...ShreddedWheat.



Just after writing this, Mum got a phone call and she is no longer going out as she had previously planned, again I asked "Why?", she replied "I'm just not."
Who's the parent?
Seriously guys....
over.

"Bring that guy back here, we'll cat-face the shit out of him"

Just got back from Leeds Festival, was amazing. :D
Dad was at Reading Festival this weekend with TheOtherWoman and her two youngest kids, I have no idea who's idea that was, she hates camping, the kids hate Dad, Dad doesn't know any of the bands...?
ShreddedWheat called Mum 3 times while me and SarcyOlderSister were away at LeedsFest. Once to congratulate me on my GCSE results, (he also called to congratulate SarcyOlderSister on her A levels even though they had always hated eachother) and once to ask her to go to the pub with him (she turned him down, thank God).
Oh and he left her a message to tell her that he missed her, basically.
She's getting sick of it.
I just told her "you're a hell of a woman to get over, kid".
Everything is abit slow right now, not alot going on.
We need some more action from ExFarmers wife if you ask me, she's always good value.
Over.

"i need a new funeral cardigan"

ShreddedWheat called Mum again today to tell her how much he misses her, she just said goodbye and hung up. I'd be so proud if she hadn't been talking to MarriedMrNiceGuy on the phone while he was on holiday WITH HIS FAMILY.
psshhh.

Ahh i'm sure I had something significant to say.
Never mind.
over.

"give me two's on that kitkat yeah?"

Not much is going on, except the whole MarriedMrNiceGuy is still in the picture as far as I know.

ScottishCarrieBradshaw's visit to the GrubbyLondoner went well, she's optimistic, I'm not.

Also, SarcasticOlderSister is talking to a guy on facebook, nothing scandalous or juicy, but GrandmaFag asked if he was black because "She'd has had enough stress this year".
Yes.
hmm...
over.

"I'll show you my piss flaps..."

So it's my 16th birthday today guys, that makes this blog less remarkable, a 16 year old blogger isn't as good as a 15 year old blogger. You'd think I would too busy having sex and riding mopeds to blog.
There's not alot of gossip I'm afraid.
Mum has seen MarriedMrNiceGuy again definitely. She was on the phone to him the other day but she din't think I could hear her. But who knowws whats going on there...
ScottishCarrieBradshaw went down to London to see him, didn't come back when she was supposed to sooo.....?
Hmm not much going on ATM but obv I'll keep you posted.
Over.

"Don't you go crossing any bridges now"

Just got back from holiday with Dad and SarcyOlderSister, it was goood, AND I found out some more info.
So the night that ExFarmersWife gave us a visit, Dad, TheOtherWoman and ScottishCarrieBradshaw were with her. I heard that she went out, with only a trenchcoat and underwear on, in an attempt to entice TheFarmer (!). WTF??
She honestly never fails to amaze.
I also have more info on ScottishCarrieBradshaw and TheGrubbyLondoner. When they met up the other week, he had previously promised to introduce her to all his London friends and show her a jolly good time. He did no such thing, he saw her and said hi, then just abandoned her.
When they met up the next day, he said he wanted to be alone until he knew if he wanted to be alone (?).
He's also texted her, like yesterday, asking her to come down to London to see him. I wish I could say she won't but ah well, she's her own woman.

ShreddedWheat keeps calling Mum, she ignores some of them and answers some. She's obviously hard to get over...
He called today to ask when he could give his key back, whyyy?? Did he need to say? Couldn;t he just post it through the letterbox like a normal person? And why is he so keen to ask permission now? He didn't seem too bothered about that the other week when he just let himself in at midnight. FFS.
Mum is in contact with MarriedMrNiceGuy. Apparently he's "married, technically". And it's all innocent too, according to Mum. Hmm....
I'll keep you posted.
Over.

"Did I just hallucinate?"

So last week, ShreddedWheat decided to drop by to tell Mum how much he still loved her or something.
Didn't exactly do it in the right way, let himself in (yes the door was locked, he has a key) at around midnight on a sunday night, drunk. Asking to see our mother. We refused, obviously.
He then left Mum a 10 minute answermachine message which told her that she needed to stop messing him around (!). And then just gave a nice journey through the taxi drive home and his arrival.

Yeah. As if that wasn't enough.
So last night, ExFarmersWife came round at around the same time and in quite the same state. She had been out for a curry with Dad and TheOtherWoman but "couldn't handle it" so had left early. Poor woman. She then ran into ShreddedWheat and smacked him. Why? We know not.

Mum lost her mobile phone last night so was forcing me to text her friends (so i found out she was flirting with a married man last night who she claimed "was a really nice guy").
ScottishCarrieBradshaw met GrubbyLondoner last night and apparently this didn't go well. Mum didn't tell me much but it all ended in tears.

Told MotherNextDoor (next door neighbour and friend of Mums) all of this, she instructed me to write this blog, had a nice chat about it while walking around Ikea, she bought me a hotdog and everything.

Oh, AND GrandmaFag called someone a Paki today.
You can't make this stuff up man.
Over.

Meet the parents.

Home life is a tad dysfunctional, but you know, I couldn't function in any other environment.
I am writing for prosperity, mainly on the subject of my family and extended family.
I'll give you some background info on my situation.
So me and SarcyOlderSister live with Mum (the main focus), 3 years ago Dad had a midlife crisis and left Mum for TheOtherWoman. Previously Mums best friend.

LongTallAuntie recently left her husband, DisgruntledUncle, for many reasons, the main trigger being a new man whom she recently married, TheWholeShabang.
LongTallCousin is my age and has little drama, as is always the way with the teenage daughters of divorcees.

ExFarmersWife, is the ex-wife of Mums friend TheFarmer (obv). A little unhinged and drained the farmer for all he's got during the divorce. Defends Mum ferociously, but isn't always entirely called for. Had breast cancer, but constantly uses it against TheFarmer and everyone else who "does wrong by her", she's very scary.

GrandmaFag is Mums mum. Means well but quite obviously disapproves of our modern lifestyles, can be a tiny bit racist.

ShreddedWheat is the very recent ex-boyfriend of Mum, a total knob but never did anything too outrageous to Mum, won't admit he's wrong and has the tendency to abandon people in the middle of a conversation for reasons unknown. Has a shit car.

ScottishCarrieBradshaw is Mums best friend, constantly being screwed over by men and is a little irresponsible with money. Far too nice to be treated so badly. Also best friends with TheOtherWoman, occasionally causes problems. Was dumped by her ex, GrubbyLondoner, about 3 years ago. He claims to still love her, she's been being messed around by him ever since the break up.

BolshyIcecreamLady is Mums new close friend, a full on man eater, jobless but a lot of fun.

More will be added if the situation arises. But this is the main cast i reckon.
Mum told me not to put her business on facebook.
But this is a small town, people talk.
Over.